She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Pants are for mortals
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
