A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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