If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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