I take back everything I said about communal showers
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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