I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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