He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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