dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
