Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
