Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
