my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
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I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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