Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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