when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
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