PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
