Got a toothbrush?
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
