Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
