Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I just gargled with NyQuil
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
