your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Randomize
