I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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