Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
