I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
