so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
