Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(718): View more from New York

so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood

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(908): View more from New Jersey

It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays

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(813): View more from Florida

My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars

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(416): View more from Toronto

Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up

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(503): View more from Oregon

ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.

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(708): View more from Illinois

I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.

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(334): View more from Alabama

After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!

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