i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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