I just saw a hot homeless man
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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