I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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