i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I have feelings that need drinking.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
