she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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