I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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