Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
