Swine flu. Run for my life!
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
