We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
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The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
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And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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