also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
