Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
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Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
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We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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