YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
