i wish starbucks made bloody marys
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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