that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
He uses pillows to masturbate.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Randomize
