I am in a vortex of obligation.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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