Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
