Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
