direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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