I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
