you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize
