apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
