I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
