The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
