So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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