How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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