then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
