Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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