I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
is that a dick in a sweater?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
