you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
