Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Randomize