just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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