I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I met the friendliest cop last night
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize