I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
why does every cop we meet know your name?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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