My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
