I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
The power of my boobs compel you
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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